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Oct. 22nd, 2012

iceman

Life & Health & Love

Hi everybody... I know it's been awhile since I have been on here. Things have gotten a little crazy. The job from my last post didn't work out. It turned out the company didn't need as many temps that they asked for. However,I did start a new job a couple of weeks ago just very recently. I also enjoyed it very much :) It also improved things at home and Ray's stress level including. Though, as fate would have it at the end of my first week of my new job I got sick. Ray, was driving me to work one day and all of a sudden I started vomiting in the car like Linda Blair. It was a horrible mess & I got really scared what was going on. Ray, did a u-turn and rushed me to the emergency room. For about four days I was stuck in the hospital. I hadn't felt right since my gall bladder was taken out in 9/2011. I was tested for so many things but they couldn't find anything. So it turned out that my tiny little body still hadn't healed properly since the operation in 2011. It appears also that I couldn't digest the bile properly & it was coming out as fast as I would eat anything. It wasn't a fun time with my health this past year. I was starting to get nervous that I still kept having the same symptoms as I did before they took it out. Well, all is good now. It turns out that I had "functional diarrhea" (WTH?)and a nasty infection & bacteria still lingering from the 2011 operation. My jaw drop with their conclusion but I'm glad I know it can be taken care of. So I have two medicines to knock thing out & get my digestive system back on track :)

The bad thing that happened is that while in the hospital I did lose the temp job. I didn't really expect them to hold it after just being there a week. On top of not knowing initially what was wrong with my health I got this news. I was so devastated & thought this is it. I have reached complete bottom. As soon as I thought things were about to change for the good... Life threw in a curve ball. The one constant thing was the love & support from Ray. I have never had a "partner" like him ever. No other partner would had cared, love, support me with all of this, but he did and has. I can't begin to tell you all how much I love this man. I know I'm not perfect & have made mistakes on "our path" but he is worth it for me to do better everyday to be the "partner" he equally deserves.

Though, this post isn't all gloom & doom. A few days later after I got out of the hospital, I had an interview. This company called me prior to accepting the temp job. Though being a man of my word I stuck with the temp job instead. Well, since I lost the temp job while in the hospital I called this company back. They were pleased I was okay & was eager to interview me. So I did it and today on 10/22/2012 they called & told me I was hired. I don't know what to think of this but I am blessed & so thankful. The other plus sides is that the job is Full-Time & a permanent job with benefits :) My hours will be 3-11pm which will be hard at first & I will be missing Ray too but in the long run it's worth it. I can go to the doctors & do errands before I go to work or even take a class or two in the morning. So even though I will be missing Ray a little more it just means that we have to make it work with my schedule & find time on the weekend to do things together :)

I will be back after my first week 11/9/2012 to update how the job is going. Thanks for the support & love & hope everybody is well :)

Jul. 5th, 2012

iceman

Have you ever?

Have you ever cared for someone so much that it actually physically hurts? I love & care for Ray more then he may know or anyone else. I'm so protective of him. I get so angry, pissed, blood pressure rises when someone does him wrong & he can't get a break! I know life isn't fair but the time has come for things to change or I'm going to jack some people up..... mess with my man & you have to deal with me.... period!

Ray works so hard day in and day out. He even works off the clock at home. I know his reason is to secure a permanent position in July in his company & to better his & our future. So when he works at home it doesn't really bother me that much. The thing that does get on my nerves is one of his co-workers. He seems to miss more days then he actually works. His co-worker calls out for the slightest headache, ache or pains. The thing is that he brings it on himself. He does have a condition but he continues to drink and it makes his condition worse. I hate this guy so much for the added stress that this has and can cause Ray. So far, Ray after a year hasn't missed one day, taken a day off, or have been late. In fact, Ray is owed about 15 hours of OT that his temp agency won't pay that his boss needed him to work. Poor Ray can't even use this time to get a day off or anything.

This guy is the complete opposite. I think that he is allergic to work basically. They hired this loser over Ray last year and they aren't getting their monies worth. This guy gets away with murder basically. Both Ray & this guy came from the same temp agency and guess what? Ray is still temping. Ray has more customers, does the most work, covers for this guy, gets thank you letters from VP's and directors of this company. While this other guy has been told to his face that he "sucks" none of his customers what to deal with him. Yet he still has a job?

I really don't get this at all. I hate his co-worker & I don't want to have anything to do with him because he knows Ray will do the job if he isn't there. This co-worker brings on his own sickness because of his drinking. I can't blame anyone else but him being he is responsible for his own actions. This has in the past caused Ray to do his own work then this guy. It kills me to see him work so hard and get nothing in return. Ray needs a break and it angers me that nobody seems to do right by Ray and hire him already. Clearly Ray has
demonstrated that he can do the job & do it well & better then this guy hands down. It's time they do the right thing. We can't seem to get any support to help Ray with any of his medical conditions because he has no insurance and neither do I.

I'm hoping this company does right by Ray and hires him this month. Him & I could really use a break in life. We need to get Ray some insurance to get him on the right track. As far as his co-worker is concerned I could give two shits about him. I care so much for Ray and love him very much. I can't imagine my life without him in it :)

Jun. 8th, 2012

iceman

Is everybody sitting down?

Is everybody sitting down? I have great news to report to everyone. I landed a job and I start on Monday :) I will be working in Glen Burnie as a Customer Service rep for Vet Centric. I'm just so excited to be working again :) It has been a long, hard, difficult, stressful 1 year and 3 months. Doing Customer Service work in a call center enviroment is not my first choice but in this economy it's a job. I have over 5 years in customer service. Though I don't like to do it, I am good at it. I know this from prior mangers, supervisors and bosses that have told me this. So I am going to work hard, go the extra mile, work when they ask, stay extra time or days if needed. To show my new boss that I can be the best customer service representative that they could ever wish for! The job is a temporary job. However, there is no end date. It has potential to go to permanent and I will be competing with others for that opportunity. So my game face will be on. I will use my experience and skills to land a permanent position and look for ways to advance in the company for future career goals.

I am just thankful to be getting out of the house for my sanity. Having a paycheck will allow Ray and I to be able to finally do things with old and new friends. The freedom to have money to buy things again is just so awesome :) The ability to stop the bleeding of my rising debt is going to be a great feeling. Due to not working for over a year one can only imagine the damage that has been done. Slowly but surely I'm going to make the best effort to fix a problem that I had no large control over due to the economy. I can't begin to express to be able to work again :) It's a nice feeling that I will be able to give Ray a break and put those naysayers to rest that I was some kind of gold digger. Now all of you can suck my left big hairy toe... LOL I am more then willing to pay for my own way and and help ease the stress on Ray. Now we can start planning to get our debt under control so that we can start planning for our own place by next year and our future. It sure feels good to be able to think about things like that :) I am truly blessed to have Ray and friends around to help us when we needed the most. Now it's time for us to do the damn thing and get the ball rolling!
Thank you all for all the support :)

May. 19th, 2012

iceman

Titanium

I love this new song. I'm trying to figure out how I can live these words in the real life. It seems easier to be depressed, negative, not carrying, selfish, self absorb in my own depression of thoughts. It's always seems harder to be positive, uplifting and a Polly Anna like I'm normally am. It seems I'm losing hope in humanity, family and lack of support from others. I'm not this person that feels sorry for myself, depressed, easy to anger, easily frustrated, easy to anger over other people's actions, negative, wild thoughts that creep in my mind, thoughts of wondering what has happened to me over the last year. I know I am not the only one facing these issues. It has never taken me this long to find a job. Sure, a job doesn't identify who I am but it will loosen the rope around Ray's neck if I could just find some way to pitch in financially. Then I get someone to tell Ray that they think something is wrong with us. That they were concern that I could be up to no good and stepping out on him while he is hard at work. I don't hate nor am I mad at this person. This person just doesn't understand my personal stress that I am dealing with along with worrying about Ray. One person trying to keep it together for two is hard work. What makes it worth it in the end? Well, that is easy... LOVE! I have said it numerous times that I love Ray with all my heart and soul. Though I'm afraid that my own personal fights, demons and stress is taking it's toll and I'm falling apart mentally in ways I didn't think I was that weak in. Yes, I see it as a sign of weakness that I'm allowing these stressing issues bring me down. I use to be stronger, full of courage, confident and feel 6 foot tall. Despite the fact that in real life I am only 5'4... LOL

How do I get my gusto and the old frankie back? I don't know if I can. I don't know if that is necessarily a bad thing but whatever is going on I hope it makes me into an even better human being then before. Besides, isn't that what we all are suppose to strive for in this crazy world that we call home?


David Guetta - Titanium (f. Sia)

You shout it loud, but I can't hear a word you say
I'm talking loud, not saying much
I'm criticized, but all your bullets ricochet
you shoot me down, but I get up

I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose
fire away, fire away
ricochet, you take your aim
fire away, fire away
you shoot me down, but I won't fall
I am titanium
you shoot me down, but I won't fall
I am titanium

Cut me down, but it's you who'll have further to fall
Ghost town and haunted love
Raise your voice, sticks and stones may break my bones
I'm talking loud, not saying much

I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose
fire away, fire away
ricochet, you take your aim
fire away, fire away
you shoot me down, but I won't fall
I am titanium
you shoot me down, but I won't fall
I am titanium
I am titanium
I am titanium


Stone hard, machine gun
Fired at the ones who run
Stone hard, as bulletproof glass

You shoot me down, but I won't fall
I am titanium
You shoot me down, but I won't fall
I am titanium
You shoot me down, but I won't fall
I am titanium
You shoot me down, but I won't fall
I am titanium
I am titanium

Apr. 30th, 2012

iceman

Love will never do (without you)

I might not be the brightest star in the sky. Nor do I claim to be the sharpest tool in the shed... You get the point ...LOL

Though I can also promise you I am unique and wonderfully made and that I know. I am by no means perfect but when I fall in love with someone it's for keeps... period

I don't know how many of you guys know Ray and I on a personal level or how your conclusions of us are due to our post. I will say that Ray is the most "Straight" gay guy that I have ever dated... LOL Now that does pose to be a problem for me. Being I am gayer then he is use to and not much experience with those Straight boys.... things can be a little hard to navigate in our relationship. Sure I made a couple of mistakes that hurt his feelings but by no means was it EVER on purpose. I LOVE THIS MAN without condition and "Love will never do (without you)" Am I going to make mistakes in the future? You can beat your sweet ass that I probably will...LOL I don't claim to be perfect at all.

I say this because this is in response to his post today, "It was bound to happen eventually" we actually had our first real fight I guess you could say today. Now, I'm not going to make light of the two situations that bothered Ray at all. I'm not in the business of doing that to people. I will say that I have since apologized for them until I can't anymore. I was blind what I did and how it truly got under his skin. After a year of dating and only having two major issues happen is a pretty damn good feat. Though just like Ray there is no need on a pat on our backs, kudos or anything of that nature.

Sometimes for me talking to Ray about things seems like I'm on an episode of "Lost" and I don't say that being mean or disrespectful but a way for me to learn. Like I said above... I don't understand how his "Straight" thinking works at all. I'm learning but it's a trial by error I'm afraid but I am willing to learn. The only real problem that I have if there is an underlying issue with the two situations that got to him like they did. I want him to just tell me the "root" cause. Keep bring up the situations and how it bothered you but not sharing the underling key issue isn't going to help me grow as a person and learn how not to do that in the future.

With that being said though. I now know the underlying issue that took sometime to come out. I didn't know that was the real problem. It breaks my heart for him to think or even feel that way about himself or that I would cause him to feel or think that way. Again, there is nothing that I wouldn't do for this man. I would move heaven and earth if that would let him know how much that I LOVE HIM. Well it's obvious that I can't do those things so all I can continue to say is that I LOVE YOU, I WANT TO BE WITH YOU, I WANT YOUR HAND IN MARRIAGE, I WANT US TO BE SUCCESSFUL INDIVIDUALLY AS WELL AS A COUPLE. I will say this until I am blue in the face or six feet under. Ray your the last one that I want to love and your the one that I can't live with out. I also don't know what I would do without you. Because in my mind like the Janet Jackson song goes..... Love will never do (without you)... period!!!

Mar. 29th, 2012

iceman

"Shit out of luck"

I'm going to legally change my name to "Shit out of luck" can things get any worse?

Well I was hoping this post would had been better news. My back is against the wall and it's about to break under the weight. Ray and I just moved in with a good friend of his to save us some money and help out a friend. So I traded four new walls caving in on me for another. I have been trying for a year to get back to work. I have applied to temp agencies that are a joke and playing games to McDonald's, Wendy's, John Hopkins, Dollar General, Wegman's Grocery and Goodwill for God's sake. Neither of these places are interested in hiring me. Either I'm over qualified or they don't want to take a chance in hiring me or whatever lame excuse they want to give.

All I want to do is work. I want a job to put food on our table and pay bills and help Ray out 'cause he can't do it on his own and neither do I expect him to. I am so tired of people accusing me of him being my sugar daddy also. You don't know me or us to make that assumption. So back the fuck off! I have never had any problems with working. I sure don't want any man taking care of me! If I can't get it on my own I don't want it!

I am so depressed and defeated. I don't know what to do. I spend all the time that Ray is at work looking for a job. 8 Hours a day, 5 days a week, 40 hours a week and nothing comes of it. They say the economy is getting better and they are adding jobs. Really? Where the fuck is my job at?

I am at my wits end. All I want to do is get a job to help Ray and I out. I love this man more then anyone will know and I feel completely worthless and helpless. I feel like such a failure and a loser that I don't know what to do. I try to stay positive but it's wearing thin. I mentally can't do this anymore. I need a job like yesterday. I just feel like sometimes he is better off without me :(

Feb. 24th, 2012

iceman

I feel lucky?

I think my luck is about to change :) things are looking up at the end of this week. I won't mention what the situation is until I know for sure if it happens. As soon as I know if my luck pans out I will post gladly. I just have my fingers crossed that it works out. Ray and I both could use a little good luck for a change. So please lady luck spin your magical wand our way.

On another front the state of Maryland has approved same-sex marriage :) the Governor is suppose to sign it. Though opponents are going to try to get it on referendum in November for the citizens to vote on it. In Maryland they have that legal right to do so. They need 55,000.00 valid signatures to do so. I hope they don't but if they do I hope folks come out and vote for what is right. I don't agree that my right to marry the one I love should be voted on. I sure don't recall having to vote for straight people's right to get married. Maybe we should with the divorce rate in America just about at 50% LOL.... Hopefully this new law survives the votes come November if that is what happens so we can all be equal and move on with our lives!

Hope everybody has a great weekend!

Feb. 20th, 2012

iceman

Strong enough to bend

How does one define being strong? Most people would go straight to the visual physique of a person. By physical measures that would be true :)By no means am I a big guy. I don't have any big muscles to speak of. I stand just 5'4 125 to 130 lbs soak and wet. Does that make me weak? Actually just the opposite. The taller they are the harder they fall. People might say things and words to knock me down but little do they know that doesn't phase me.

I'm to the point to where I don't give a fuck what you think of me. Sticks and stones may break my bones but your words and names won't ever hurt me. I get my strength from the inner part of me which is much stronger then the words that fall off your tongue any day of the week. The more you say you seem to see that it just makes me that much more stronger to show you I'm better then what you think that I am.

So if you think it makes you a better Man or Woman for that matter to spew hateful things at me then you go ahead and do so. Honestly, I'm not afraid what you have to say. You have the right to speak your mind but don't be surprised if I flick you off with my middle finger in your face and tell you where to go and how to get there. I might even draw you a map. I'm stronger then anyone thinks that I am. There are things that I deal with on a daily and individual basis that nobody knows about. So do you really think that I have the time to worry about your petty thoughts of me? Bitch please I got bigger fish to fry and you aren't even worth a thought in my mind.

There are things that I have plans for in my life with or without you in it. Don't believe it? Keep pushing my buttons and your luck and you will see who has the last laugh. The world is a lonely and cold place to be. I have been by myself for a long time, been through things that nobody would want to go through so if you think that I need you.... Think again.


Below are some songs that motivate me to be the strongest and best person that I can be.




"Stronger" Kanye West
"Stronger" Brittney Spears
"Strong enough to bend" Tanya Tucker
"Stronger (what doesn't kill you)" Kelly Clarkson
"Since u been gone" Kelly Clarkson
"Not afraid" Eminem
"Make it happen" Mariah Carey
"H.A.T.E You" Mariah Carey
"Sober" Pink

Jan. 5th, 2012

iceman

Give me wings

The Gospel of friendship according to Frankie Baker:

Chapter 1 verse 1: Bitch please you don't know what it takes to be friends to anyone. A friend doesn't talk about their friends and partners behind their backs like you did me.

Chapeter 2 verse 2: Now thee got caught in doing this and got called out by it. Now 4 months later you texted me?

Chapter 3 verse 3: There is no form of communication that you can reach out to me and try to change my mind about you. I remember how hurtful your words to me and to Ray were. Sure people can change but even the devil turned himself into a snake so I doubt it!

Just crazy that this one person that gave Ray and I so much trouble expects to be friends again? LMFAO she must be either high, insane, or running out of friends. I see her true colors and no matter how she tries to put differently to reach out to me it isn't going to work. When I stopped being her friend I will admit it hurt at first and thought she could change. Then I started looking back even before Ray got in the picture and surprised myself why I was even friends with someone like her to begin with.

I guess simply put it's like if someone sees an animal on the side of the road in danger, pain and hurting. That person takes them in and nurses them back to health not in the imagine as the animal was intended for but in the imagine of the one that saved them. Before the animal notices anything at all you have become something you weren't intended to be. Then comes along another animal of it's own kind and points out what has been going on all this time and why you seemed so out of place and takes off the blinders so the animal can see for itself what is really going on. That the once helper really had no desire to truly help or actually care about the animal. After all just like a bird in a cage would forget how to fly if you don't let it. Simply put formal friend "Give me wings" it's time to let me go.

Jan. 2nd, 2012

iceman

Drowning in my thoughts

Hope all had a great Holiday Season. I hope 2012 will be a great year for everybody. Nothing on the home front to complain about. Ray has been great and working hard to help keep us above the water on our "boat" filled with holes it seems. I was lucky to get a temp job that was to last until March of this year but to no fault of my own and a long story of course lady luck slipped the rug under my feet.... again.

I have been trying and crying so much that something will be different and some good news is just around the corner. Though the more i turn the corners the longer the hallways seem to get. I've been trying so hard to stay positive but I'm "Drowning in my thoughts" I just feel like throwing my middle fingers up and flick off whoever is in charge. I don't ask for much in life. Just an honest wage for an honest day of work. Not to rob peter to pay Paul. Not having to beg for assistance from the state or government. To be able to afford a place for Ray and I when we need to move. Simply be able to go out and enjoy ourselves once in awhile. Is this really too much to ask from the powers that be? I know I am not the only one in this mess but for the love of God what happened? I really can't mentally take it anymore. I am past being tired, drained, broke, poor, begging, crying, stressing and hoping for things to change and get better. The time has come now for my situation to improve or I'm going to lose it completely.

It's funny too I have relatives on Facebook that have the nerve to complain about getting up early to go to work! Are you fucking kidding me?! I would give my left nut to have your job and would be more then happy to get out of these four walls that are caving in on me. The nerve of some people. Just be lucky you got a fucking job!

While writing this i was listening to this song "Flood" by Jars of Clay... yeah they are a christian band and I remember this song when I use to go to church.... However, I currently can relate to this song more then I could ever want to:

Rain, rain on my face
It hasn't stopped raining for days
My world is a flood
Slowly I become one with the mud

Chorus:

But if I can't swim after forty days
And my mind is crushed by the thrashing waves
Lift me up so high that I cannot fall
Lift me up
Lift me up - when I'm falling
Lift me up - I'm weak and I'm dying
Lift me up - I need you to hold me
Lift me up - Keep me from drowning again

Downpour on my soul
Splashing in the ocean, I'm losing control
Dark sky all around
I can't feel my feet touching the ground

[Chorus]

Calm the storms that drench my eyes
Dry the streams still flowing
Cast down all the waves of sin
And guilt that overthrow me

[Chorus]

Lift me up - when I'm falling
Lift me up - I'm weak and I'm dying
Lift me up - I need you to hold me
Lift me up - Keep me from drowning again

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