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Nov. 9th, 2011

iceman

Despite it all

Well it's been an interesting week with Ray and I. We have went to a karaoke bar in Glen Burnie one time awhile ago and Ray and I saw this guy who was pretty hot. Even though this guy is hot it doesn't mean that i prefer him over Ray at all. This guy was just simply put HOT str8 man candy and nothing more then that. Sure I may had bought him up often then I should but Ray and I both see what we think is a hot guy and let each other know. When we would see a nice looking guy we would compare him to the "Best Buy guy" who was really nice looking or the "Karaoke bar guy" or some of the hot man candy at the Renaissance festival that we saw. I personally think that it is harmless but I have been coming to the conclusion that it isn't a good idea at this time. I didn't know what it was doing to Ray with him thinking I would rather be with them then him. In no way in hell is that the case. Besides the guy at the karaoke bar wouldn't have anything to do with me because simply put I don't have a vagina even if I was single he wouldn't pay me no mind :) Sure I talked to the bartender about the hot guy but it was just to say that he is HOT not about his sexual preference or anything like do you think he would foul around with gay guys. What seemed to be innocent admiration and conversation to me wasn't so for Ray and that I do regret that. By no means was it going to be anymore then that. Hearing Ray's stories about how he use to land str8 boys in the past is hot and I like hearing them. Though with that being said it isn't by no means me wanting to try to be with one myself. They can't offer what Ray has to offer and they aren't my type. Sure the nice str8 muscle guys are hot to look at and all but Ray is the pretty bear type that my body yearns for. Every time I see Ray I think to myself I'm so lucky to have this HOT man all to myself and that is the God's honest truth.

Yeah it was hard for me to hear what he said in his post "It wasn't easy" I had no idea how much he really hates gay guys like me. I didn't really know what to say to him except why are you bothering with me then? The point being made here is I have been changing from being the type of gay guy that he hates. However, don't get it twisted it isn't because of him it's because I want to change.Wanting to mature and be more of a grown up has encourage me to become different. It is also no secret that gay guys have hurt Ray in the past but I keep telling him I'm not that kind of gay guy. I probably will have some traits that he won't like for some time to come but I can't lose myself in the process of maturing.

Overall it is all good. I still want to be with Ray with everything I have. I have a lot of learning to do with him but I'm willing to try to make this work. I'm growing in my personal life to become the man I want to be for me and for him. My focus has been side track due to me looking for a job but I am very determined to be with Ray and to show him not all gay guys are like the ones that hurt him and it's ok to let go and trust one of them for a change. I know time will play a big factor with that but I don't want him to stop trying to be with me for the sins of the past relations he has had. I'm very genuine about how I feel for this man and one day I want to be his husband to show him how much that is the case. So please baby for me and us let's do this and you will see what my heart has to offer you.


I LOVE YOU RAY

Oct. 20th, 2011

iceman

Amazing week with Ray

This week has been nothing but short of amazing with Ray :) I promise you I can't even express the closeness that we have experienced this past week and it feels great! I have never thought I could feel this way about someone but I'm glad I do! We may have our differences and likes but that is what makes it more interesting in my book :) besides there is no fun dating a carbon copy of yourself! I'm open to try new things with this man to make him happy in every way in every aspect of our relationship and try somethings I never thought I would so it must be love in my book. I wish I could put in words on here how I truly feel but I just can't do it :)


Plus I have 2 interviews this week and feel really good about them. Things are looking up and just can't wait to see what the future holds for the both of us. I'm really excited to get things moving to build our future together and nothing less then that could make me happier.

Oct. 11th, 2011

iceman

He is simply.... "The One"

First off that damn gall bladder is finally out of my body!!! Now I'm working on healing and moving on past this experience. Thank God I have Ray who was there for me at the hospital and home making me feel comfortable. The hardest thing is before surgery I couldn't see him before I went under. They tried to find him and vice versa but it didn't work out that way. All I could think of is that I wanted to see his handsome face one more time in case something went wrong. I could only think about him.

Section A
That brings me to this. How do you know that you have found the one that you can't live without? How do you know that he is simply "The one" well I will lay it out the best way from my angle as I possibly can. Maybe then too he can learn to trust me more if he sees how much that I"m not bull shitting and I want to be with him and him alone.

1) When he makes you smile when he walks in the room.
2) When he makes you want to be more then you already are.
3) Introduces you to new things in life and that you enjoy them (ie: role playing & some of his music)
4) When you are not near him he is all that you can think about.
5) You enjoy feeling his embrace at night in bed.
6) When he smiles you smile
7) When you enjoy doing little things for him like cleaning the house, doing his laundry, cooking breakfast and dinner for him.
8) To see the joy on his face when he does something nice for you.
9) Without saying a word at all you look at each other and it's like you are having a conversation.
10) when both of your friends see you together and notice something different about you when we are together.
11) When you sense another guy hitting on your man you get jealous and you want to beat that other guy down with a stick :)
12) When you have a feeling that you can't put into words about this man :)
13) When you are planning your future in your head with this man in the picture.
14) When you are picturing your wedding day :)
15) When you are willing to fight no matter who or what tries to come between the two of us.

Section B
So I have read Ray's previous post and they hadn't upset me in anyway. They only thing I wish is that he sees that I have been trying to be a better partner on my end and trust me when I say I'm truly in love with him. I know he needs to vent as well as I do. Though my venting is more of declaring my LOVE for this man. I know that I'm not his typical guy he goes for, I"m not the sharpest tool in the shed at times, My social gracious need some fine tuning, I'm not a big fan of all of his music, He at times doesn't have the best of moods, I'm more main stream then he prefers, It takes me longer to see people for who they are but if you hadn't been taught any better what do you expect? plus sometimes you need someone to point things out but like me I have to learn the hard way at times. I know that frustrates him but at least I'm willing to learn for myself not because of him.

Section C
So I think in section B I have put out there what I am not to Ray but I know that doesn't bother him all that much. I know he is just venting and I know he loves me and wants to be with me. I know things are hard right now but I don't want him to give up on himself or us. If we can make it past this we will be awesome together. I also want him to know that I can't be all those things in section b as he probably knows but I do things he does enjoy doing with his friends and I do like some of his music he has played for me. I can't possibly change me completely because if I was just like him then he could just date himself :) where is the fun in that? LOL plus that isn't what made him fall for me in the first place. I'm willing to improve on a lot of things and behaviors (more of the gay ones) but I can't lose what makes me tick on the other hand. I don't have a problem being less gay or identifying myself first and foremost a gay man, that I can live with out. I just want people to say "Oh there goes Frankie he is a cool guy" without having to put a label on me. I think that explains why I'm into sports as much as I am :) So there are some things I could change and I see that. I'm not doing just to make Ray happy I'm doing it because I'm 40 and it's time to grow up and it would make Ray happy along the way. However, I can't lose myself in the process.

Section D
All and all things with us are great. Still need a job but have a feeling that could come soon I hope. I love Ray with all my heart, mind, body and soul. I truly want him to know that he can trust me completely unlike those other gay queens he dated, Simply because I'm just not as gay as they are and I don't play games. I want to marry this man just simply because I love him. To show mine and his friends and family how dedicated I am to him. I just simply can't say it enough and I hope one day he will see I'm not out to hurt him or use him in any way. I just simply want to love on him. We both have been through a lot in our individuals lives and I'm here to tell Ray "Let me in" just let me simply love you.

That is it for the day :)

Oct. 4th, 2011

iceman

So tired of being tired

Wow.... another job opportunity gone by the waste side. I am so tired of being tired. I mean really when will my break come?! (Tears)
All I want is a fucking JOB to pay my bills and help out Ray and build a future together but it just seems that the universe doesn't want to make it happen. I spend every day looking hours on end for work via internet, temp agencies, going to places and can't find shit! I even applied for Mc donalds and Wal-IMart for god's sake and can't even get a job there! WTF?

I just want to pull my share of the weight around here and take off the burden from Ray. I mean really is that too fucking much to ask for? I'm so sick of it! I don't really know how much more I can take. This is why I never approached guys because rejection sucks...LOL I use to believe that if one door closes another one opens but holy shit batman how many more doors have to close?! Now we are really screwed and I feel like the biggest loser and I just don't know what more to do.

I feel like just living under a bridge in a card board box and say the hell with it all! I'm really trying not to sound like Debbie downer but this is getting out of hand. Something has to give like yesterday or I'm going to flip the fuck out!!! I love Ray so much and I want to make him so proud of me by getting a job to help out. This is breaking my heart that I can't seem to get one. When will this change? If I knew the answer to that I would be rich and wouldn't need a stupid ass job!

Sep. 30th, 2011

iceman

Trying to rise above the mud

Losing friends left and right on Facebook due to my former ex-bff! Though really got to consider the source in all of this. Were these people my friends to begin with? It doesn't appear to be the case at all. I mean I hung out with these people and stuff like that too but they are only listening to one side of the story. Little do they know the ones that dropped me has also been trashed on facebook and behind their backs in private conversations between me and my former ex-bff. I guess some people like the balls to stand up to her like I do. It's all good though I'm making new friends and this time I will be more careful who I bring in the fold. If any of them contain any drama between me and Ray well then I will have the luxury to say thanks but no thanks.

On a brighter note I have a great opportunity for a job on Monday. I go for an interview then and hope to god that I get it. I'm going to do all I can to land this job and work hard and excel in it then any other one. I"m just trying to rise above the mud and move on with my life. With or without some old friends who I thought that were. The next chapter in my life begins now and no more looking back.

Things with Ray have been going well. It is hard with one income but we are making the most of it. There is nothing that I would not do for him and I want this to work. So I'm going to start to by putting my best foot forward to land any kind of work to make things easier on us. There are so many things we want to do and a bright future ahead. Nothing and nobody is going to stand in my way keeping me doing these things with him!

Sep. 15th, 2011

iceman

You think you know someone

You think that you know someone but I guess there are times when you don't. So my best friend and I are no longer friends. Apparently she can't come to terms that I have found someone that I want to spend my life with and possibly marry some day. Which is odd because she is straight, married and has 3 kids so why can't she let me be happy? A year ago she and her husband let me stay with them and I was thankful for that. She has since has held that over my head ever since. I don't think real friends would do that but call me crazy. She actually threw me out of her house during that time over something dumb and slammed me by text, to friends and facebook then called me crying and want to fix things. I was dumb to go back I guess. I have known her for about seven years and it is hard for me to wonder why she is acting like she is. Then I began to think that wait come to think of it she has been this way with whom ever I have dated. For whatever reason it is worse with Ray. I have tried a couple of times to keep the peace but she goes back to her ways of slamming me and talking about Ray behind my back and his. How do I know this you may ask? Simple, we ran into a mutual friend of her and I at the mall a few weeks back and she blurted out what my so-called BFF thought about Ray. Imagine what Ray thought when he heard that and what I thought. I quickly told this mutual friend that my BFF can't keep her mouth shut and Ray isn't what she says he is to me.

My good friend Colette who I call my sister because we have known each other for 12 plus years doesn't and hadn't like my BFF at all. They have met a couple of times. Though my sister (Colette) and her husband OJ love and adore Ray as much as I do and see that one day we could get married if our state allows it. She has never acted or said any of these things that my so-called BFF would say to me. I guess I'm just too nice and wanted everybody to get along but my so-called BFF doesn't want to play nice. She doesn't mind slamming me to other or on facebook and she does it to all her other friends also. Though I grew some balls when I came back from KY to MD and I don't play games anymore. It has taken me sometime to see who she really is since I've been with Ray and people like Colette, Ray's friends and even my own mother was like your BFF is really not your friend. She only is when it benefits her. I knew this but still wanted to prove these people wrong but sure enough in true form my former BFF shows her true colors and makes me look like a dumb ass.

As most of you all know I have been recovering gall bladder surgery and still need to get it removed. It is the closest pain a man can get to giving birth! Most of you all know that I'm eagerly looking for work and with the economy it hasn't been easy to do. My so called BFF is having a birthday party at a wine festival in west minster, MD. I went last year and it was fun. Last year I had a job and this year I don't. Ray isn't making the money he once had at his other company for me to go. The price of a ticket is $25 bucks. That is a lot when one isn't working and I can't justify going and having a good time with Ray's hard earn money when we barely can get all the bills paid. That only isn't cool but it would make me look horrible to so many people and I'm not using him and don't want to come off that I am because that isn't the case.

So she gets mad that I can't go because I don't have $25 bucks to spare because it is her birthday and slams me on facebook and calls me a name. Really? She was crazy to think I wasn't going to be strong enough to respond to her. Unlike her other friends that are too scared to do so I am not. Our friendship is officially over because of her actions not mine or that I'm picking Ray over her. Of course she would think so but with such a little mind that she has I would not be surprised. I told her that who does she think she is calling me names and slamming me on facebook?! I told her how do you expect me to go and give you $25 when I have no job, no income of any kind? or health insurance to get my surgery that I need to get done?! I told her instead of slamming your so-called friends on facebook you should be more sympathetic to their situation and supportive instead of being such a bitch and taking "No" so personal. What kind of true friend treats you like that and gets bad because you can't afford to do something that they have the job and income to do? My answer not a very good one. So if your going to be that kind of friend well then I simply don't need you in my life.

A special shout out to Veronica and she knows why I say this :) Thank you for being such a good friend to Ray and now me. Your support for us have been outstanding and I love spending time with you and Dan. It is time for me to move on and find more friends like you that actually are supportive and understand what you can and can't do.
iceman

We can make it through anything

Things on the home front with Ray and I are doing great. I'm really trying not to go backwards in my old habits of shutting down when issues may arise. I have done that for the longest time since I was a kid. I know where this comes from but not willing to share it on this forum. I could use a professional to talk about how to overcome this bad habit. Though luckily I don't do that as often as I use to. Simply because Ray and I have great communication and talk about everything. It is exactly what I want in a relationship.

I know that he is on another subject annoyed or frustrated that I hadn't been working. It is definitely not by choice. I so crave a job like a fat kid craves a chocolate cake. There are so many things that I want to do with Ray like simply, going to movies, dinners, hanging out with friends, concerts, events, night out, date nights hell just not having to rob peter to pay Paul would be nice. I have already starting looking for apartments for us when the time comes when we need to move out. Sure some may not be in the best of neighborhoods but that is just simply because I don't know Baltimore all that well :) I just want to work so bad so we can do these things and afford out own place and have enough left over to have some fun too :)

It can't last forever and it is a matter of time before a job comes along. I just hope that it is sooner then later. I'm not even picky what kind of job that I want. I just want to make enough to take the burden off Ray as much as possible. I can see such a bright future for Ray and I and having a job will help to say the least.


There is no other person but Ray that I want to be with. I don't care if we were broke poor I have nothing but love for this man and want to be with him for a long time. Even the idea to marry him if the state of Maryland passes the law next session. I just simply can't verbalize how much I'm into him and what he means to me. I know sometimes he may wonder why I am with him but in my mind it is simple: I love this man with all that I am. If we can make it past this rough patch we can make it through anything.


I love you baby

Aug. 24th, 2011

iceman

Earthquake in MD.... WTH?

So yesterday was going great until the 5.9 Earthquake hit Baltimore, MD and other areas nearby. Ray and I went to Wal-mart and got lunch at subway. We decided to eat something healthier then Mc Donalds. Then we got up got a cart and started to enter Wal-mart. At the main entrance there were grapes in a huge container. I looke d at Ray and I said.... "Hey these would be healthy for us." At that very moment we heard some noise but couldn't figure out what it was. Now any given day at Wal-mart folks know it's loud in there. Plus this Wal-mart is near BWI airport and the planes fly pretty low over the store. Then the shaking of the building began. I looked at the bag of grapes I picked up and was like.... "Son of a bitch! Why won't my grapes stay in the bag?!" I see Ray standing a few feet ahead of me talking on his phone to his neice then all of a sudden the rumble sound got really loud and Wal-mart rocked back and fourth.


I swear to God it was like we were in a you tube video in Japan during an Earthquake. I looked at Ray and he looked at me with the face of WTF? was that?! The thought went in my head that ...."Oh hell a plane just hit the building." At this point things were moving really slow as if I was in the matrix movie. Can't describe it any other way then that really. Just as if time stood still just for me with all the confusion going on. I turned and look behind me and saw these 2 black ladies get up from their chairs at Subway and I mean jolted out of Wal-mart.  Then I felt the concrete floor move like a wave under my feet. As soon as I turned around I just saw a sea of people and a Wal-mart associate that said.... "Everybody outside now!" After that moment I knew we were having an earthquake!


I couldn't see Ray as tall as he is :) as I was being rushed out by the sea of people I got scared for us really quickly. It seemed like forever before I saw my handsome man's face appear outside of the Wal-mart. I tried to call him before he came out but as instant as it all started the phone lines were jammed. Ray told me he kind of froze inside and saw some things fall from the ceiling. He actually seemed amused at what was going on and nowhere scared or shaken up like I was. I could have killed him....LOL but then I saw my handsome man come outside and I knew he was safe :)


I have never experience anything like an Earthquake before in my life. I so don't ever want to do it again. As most of everybody knows there is something special between Ray and I that I have never felt or had before. The thought that crossed my mind that he could still be in there hurt or something like that just killed me inside. I couldn't stop shaking from being so scared of the overall experience and the thought that it could had been worse and I could had lost the love of my life :( but somebody or something didn't let that happen :)



So do I love this man more then anything he can buy me or how much money he has or doesn't have in his checking account? You can bet your doubtfull ass that I do. This is the real thing with Ray and I would had lost it if something were to happen to him yesterday or here on out. I love you baby so very much.

Aug. 2nd, 2011

iceman

Supported



    Well things with Ray and I are looking good. I'm so thankful that him and I are able to keep communication open. In the past I have not experience that with other people that I have dated. This time around I want communication to be key. For me, communication is key whether it would be good or bad. With communication we will be able to talk about anything and work out any issues that may arise.


    Ray has been such a great source of support. I have some funds coming in but not as much as I would like. Everyday I apply for jobs relentlessly to increase the funds coming in. With all my heart, soul and physical body I want to be able to pull my weight. Ray has been nothing but supportive, understanding and loving. This is by no means the main reason I am with him. However, it is one of his major qualities. In the past my other relationships have not been all that supportive. I wish I could do more then I can currently. Right now I'm a little bummed out that I can't seem to find a job but I am very hopeful that something would come up.

   With working it would relieve so much stress on me and Ray. Even though Ray is much more supportive it still makes me feel sad that I can't do as much as I want to do. There are events, concerts, shopping,basic amenities that I am struggling to be able to pay. I want to be able to do these things, pay bills, have fun, take the stress off of Ray, have money in the bank to get our own place one day. 

   I know that this too shall pass. I know I will get a job sooner then later to do my share. I just hope that it is sooner rather then later.
I just want to thank Ray so much for all you do. It does not go unnoticed and I appreciate it more then you know. I love you for all that you do and have done. Now I want to be able to do the same for you :)

Jul. 30th, 2011

iceman

Birthday

     Well so far I have had a great birthday. Ray took me out to lunch for my birthday this past Wednesday. Tonight we went to a WNBA Washington Mystics game. I love the WNBA because they play for the game instead of the NFL, NBA, MLB. The poing being that Ray actually took me to something that I enjoy. None of my previous ex's would had bothered at all. In fact when my birthday came around it was just a normal day. Though Ray isn't like them. He says and shows he cares. He even paid for my best friend in D.C and her husband to go to the game. He didn't have to do that but he knew how much I would had enjoyed their company. Tomorrow we will be going to fells point in Baltimore with mutual friends to hand out for my birthday. I have never been with someone that has treated me this nice and actually cares. Thanks Ray for making my 4oth birthday the best!

LOVE YOU

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