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No matter what I do

       Wish this post would be a happier one but it is not. I'm confused on how to handle certain situations. All that I do to make Ray happy somehow I end up doing something that does not. Facebook seems to be an issue with him. I know understand that  Bob was on it all the time but I'm different then Bob. I'm not on Facebook for hookups. I'm on Facebook to keep connected to family that doesn't live in Maryland, A brother who is just recently deployed and friends I don't spend that much time with since being in school. Not saying that is the reason he doesn't like me being on Facebook at all but I wish I could get him to see that my motives aren't like the others. I only want to be with him. Nothing that I have said in person to my friends, his or Facebook has lead to any other indication. I know with his past and his situation he is going to be skeptical but I have nothing to hide. I am not your typical 'gay" guy. I could honestly deactivate Facebook all together if that would be easier. However, I'm not going to do that. I want to stay in contact with friends and family that are not near. As well as it would not benefit him if I turn into someone that I'm not. I actually haven't been on Facebook all that much like I use to do. School has taken most of my time and doing things around the apartment. The only reason it shows that I am on Facebook all the time is because I can't figure it out on my phone how to turn the damn thing off,,,LOL nothing more or nothing less then that. So I opted to delete the Facebook icon off my phone and deactivate the mobile connection on Facebook under my settings. Not to prove a point or give in at all or whatever one wants to call it. I'm not a big fan of being compared to someone of the past. Yeah, I might have the same tendency going on Facebook but I am not "BOB" and god help me if I ever meet this guy. I feel like beating this man in the head for what he has done to Ray. I know it's not Ray's fault but no matter what I do sometimes it gets referred to a "Bob" trait or a "Gay" trait. I am not perfect but I can guarantee you that I"m not Bob. My intentions are entirely different then his was by far. As far as the "Gay" trait well I am Gay I don't know what else to say about that at all. Sure could I had handled how I responded to my ex over a year ago in KY? You bet I could it's just not everyday somebody kicks you out of your house for their cheating when you catch them doing it. So I didn't handle that like I normally would had but that situation didn't come with instructions and I acted out of anger. Being nice all the time you eventually one will have a  breaking point.

    I have nothing but love for Ray and what nothing more to be with him. Though at some point "Bob" has to go! I can't keep getting compared to him with the negative things that I seem to do to annoy Ray. I do my best to make Ray happy but let's face I'm by no means perfect at all. I'm going to do, say, act in ways Ray may not like. For the most part I can some things but somethings are just what makes me who I am good or maybe not so good at times. I want nothing more to be with Ray for the long haul but as much as I'm willing to adjust to things working out this "Bob" asshole totally has to go. From what I understand this "Bob" character has done more harm then good. He is now in the past for a reason and he needs to stay there. I'm pretty sure like people that no longer talk to me anymore he probably doesn't spend anytime worrying about Ray or have 2 thoughts about him.

    By no means does this post indicate that I'm pissed, frustrated, mad, unhappy or anything like that. I just want to make it clear I'm fighting for Ray and I'm not giving up. I'm willing to meet him half way but he has to do the same and let "Bob" go once and for all. I am all that I say I am and maybe one day Ray can see that I'm into and love him as much as I say I do. At some point you just have to let go and trust someone. I know it's easier said then done but I don't think one can move on if they don't. I could careless about going to gay bars dancing till my thong falls off, going on Facebook, Myspace (which I deleted by the way a year ago... who hasn't really...LOL) having a rainbow flag on my car, listening to Madonna tell my ears bleed. I'm just not all that gay. I love sports and do regular straight guys do and yes of course I do like some gay stuff but it's minor then most. It's hard for Ray I know because of most of the str8 acting guys he has been with I am a little "gayer" then they were. Though it's not as bad as it seems but maybe it is if this "Bob" character doesn't fade away into the sunset :)

   All this to say I'm so willing to do all that I can to be with Ray. I can do some minor adjustments to my traits and habits with no problems. I love this man so much but at the same time I can't change everything or who will I be then? All I'm asking is for a little more trust, realize I'm not out to hurt nobody, I'm not with you out of pity and forget all about "Bob"



Hey, my man. Happy birthday! Hope Ray treats you right -- before dinner, during dinner, and **yessss!!!** after dinner.


Thank you... Ray is doing good. So far before dinner, during dinner, and very much so after dinner...LOL

October 2012

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