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Despite it all

Well it's been an interesting week with Ray and I. We have went to a karaoke bar in Glen Burnie one time awhile ago and Ray and I saw this guy who was pretty hot. Even though this guy is hot it doesn't mean that i prefer him over Ray at all. This guy was just simply put HOT str8 man candy and nothing more then that. Sure I may had bought him up often then I should but Ray and I both see what we think is a hot guy and let each other know. When we would see a nice looking guy we would compare him to the "Best Buy guy" who was really nice looking or the "Karaoke bar guy" or some of the hot man candy at the Renaissance festival that we saw. I personally think that it is harmless but I have been coming to the conclusion that it isn't a good idea at this time. I didn't know what it was doing to Ray with him thinking I would rather be with them then him. In no way in hell is that the case. Besides the guy at the karaoke bar wouldn't have anything to do with me because simply put I don't have a vagina even if I was single he wouldn't pay me no mind :) Sure I talked to the bartender about the hot guy but it was just to say that he is HOT not about his sexual preference or anything like do you think he would foul around with gay guys. What seemed to be innocent admiration and conversation to me wasn't so for Ray and that I do regret that. By no means was it going to be anymore then that. Hearing Ray's stories about how he use to land str8 boys in the past is hot and I like hearing them. Though with that being said it isn't by no means me wanting to try to be with one myself. They can't offer what Ray has to offer and they aren't my type. Sure the nice str8 muscle guys are hot to look at and all but Ray is the pretty bear type that my body yearns for. Every time I see Ray I think to myself I'm so lucky to have this HOT man all to myself and that is the God's honest truth.

Yeah it was hard for me to hear what he said in his post "It wasn't easy" I had no idea how much he really hates gay guys like me. I didn't really know what to say to him except why are you bothering with me then? The point being made here is I have been changing from being the type of gay guy that he hates. However, don't get it twisted it isn't because of him it's because I want to change.Wanting to mature and be more of a grown up has encourage me to become different. It is also no secret that gay guys have hurt Ray in the past but I keep telling him I'm not that kind of gay guy. I probably will have some traits that he won't like for some time to come but I can't lose myself in the process of maturing.

Overall it is all good. I still want to be with Ray with everything I have. I have a lot of learning to do with him but I'm willing to try to make this work. I'm growing in my personal life to become the man I want to be for me and for him. My focus has been side track due to me looking for a job but I am very determined to be with Ray and to show him not all gay guys are like the ones that hurt him and it's ok to let go and trust one of them for a change. I know time will play a big factor with that but I don't want him to stop trying to be with me for the sins of the past relations he has had. I'm very genuine about how I feel for this man and one day I want to be his husband to show him how much that is the case. So please baby for me and us let's do this and you will see what my heart has to offer you.




October 2012

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