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Drowning in my thoughts

Hope all had a great Holiday Season. I hope 2012 will be a great year for everybody. Nothing on the home front to complain about. Ray has been great and working hard to help keep us above the water on our "boat" filled with holes it seems. I was lucky to get a temp job that was to last until March of this year but to no fault of my own and a long story of course lady luck slipped the rug under my feet.... again.

I have been trying and crying so much that something will be different and some good news is just around the corner. Though the more i turn the corners the longer the hallways seem to get. I've been trying so hard to stay positive but I'm "Drowning in my thoughts" I just feel like throwing my middle fingers up and flick off whoever is in charge. I don't ask for much in life. Just an honest wage for an honest day of work. Not to rob peter to pay Paul. Not having to beg for assistance from the state or government. To be able to afford a place for Ray and I when we need to move. Simply be able to go out and enjoy ourselves once in awhile. Is this really too much to ask from the powers that be? I know I am not the only one in this mess but for the love of God what happened? I really can't mentally take it anymore. I am past being tired, drained, broke, poor, begging, crying, stressing and hoping for things to change and get better. The time has come now for my situation to improve or I'm going to lose it completely.

It's funny too I have relatives on Facebook that have the nerve to complain about getting up early to go to work! Are you fucking kidding me?! I would give my left nut to have your job and would be more then happy to get out of these four walls that are caving in on me. The nerve of some people. Just be lucky you got a fucking job!

While writing this i was listening to this song "Flood" by Jars of Clay... yeah they are a christian band and I remember this song when I use to go to church.... However, I currently can relate to this song more then I could ever want to:

Rain, rain on my face
It hasn't stopped raining for days
My world is a flood
Slowly I become one with the mud


But if I can't swim after forty days
And my mind is crushed by the thrashing waves
Lift me up so high that I cannot fall
Lift me up
Lift me up - when I'm falling
Lift me up - I'm weak and I'm dying
Lift me up - I need you to hold me
Lift me up - Keep me from drowning again

Downpour on my soul
Splashing in the ocean, I'm losing control
Dark sky all around
I can't feel my feet touching the ground


Calm the storms that drench my eyes
Dry the streams still flowing
Cast down all the waves of sin
And guilt that overthrow me


Lift me up - when I'm falling
Lift me up - I'm weak and I'm dying
Lift me up - I need you to hold me
Lift me up - Keep me from drowning again


"The more corners I turn the longer the hallways get" --

what a beautiful parable. I don't know if it's yours, but I like you for using it.

Even in the bad times, in a post that's unhappy, you find a way to be creative and rich and giving.

Ray's lucky to have you.
@ Sandor baci.... Thanks and yep it was my parable that I came up with. I love to creative write and I actually want to go back to School for that and maybe write scripts for TV shows. I'm the lucky one to have Ray :) He has been nothing short of wonderful and working so hard. It just breaks my heart that I can't do anything right now. I know something will give I just wish it was sooner then later :) despite my post I am determined to get us where we should be. Thanks for the kind words :)
I'm sorry that you've having such a rough time of things. All I can do is to try and keep on moving us forward. It becomes frustrating that that is all I can really do right now. I know about depression all to well.
@ Ray... I'm sorry baby if I got so down. You have been nothing but wonderful. I just want us to enjoy life and not have to worry anymore. I love you so very much and nobody has treated me with so much love, respect and willingness to get us on track. This is one of the many reasons I'm so in love with you :)
Frankie, Things will turn around. I know it's hard, but just keep trying. Deep breath, my friend, deep breath.

Thank you :) I just want it to turn around sooner then later. Trying to keep the faith :)

October 2012

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